


I Don't Deserve Your Love, But You Give It To Me Anyway

by Morningstar_Winchester



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Ending from the musical, And happy Mikey, And it might turn out with Mikey getting a Squip of his own, But it might switch, Definitely will end in boyf riends, F/M, I'll add more of these as I go along, I'm still planning, Jeremy's point of view, Kind of feel bad, M/M, Might also put in a few characters from deh I don't know yet, Other, Sad Michael, So I sort of have a plan for this, This is going to be awesome, hopefully, i don't know yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13745286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morningstar_Winchester/pseuds/Morningstar_Winchester
Summary: Like nothing had changed.Except, everything had changed. And Jeremy had a lot of apologizing and explaining to do.





	1. It's Just So Hard Letting Go, Isn't It?

Jeremy knew coming to school drunk wasn't exactly a good idea but it shut the Squip off temporarily, so that was good. Besides, he wasn't that drunk, just… Drunk enough. Buzzed, really. He could still function. He just couldn't deal with the damn thing right now, he couldn't. So he shut it off for the time being. He'd probably drank enough to last the whole day so it wouldn't be back anytime soon. And it was amazing how much he _noticed_ and he couldn't help but wonder exactly what the Squip was blocking from his field of vision.

Too bad he hadn't realized just how much the Squip really was affecting him. And… Michael. _Michael._ Guilt flooded Jeremy instantly as he sat down at a table by himself, eyes darting around for his… Ex-best friend. Maybe he should apologize.

_No, I should definitely apologize._

Now where was Michael?

"So Rich is still in the hospital," he heard Jenna yapping away to Chloe as they headed for a table. "Jake's still in surgery for his legs.." She trailed off. "They'll be out of commission for a while."

"I'm not surprised," Chloe said vaguely, staring down at her phone as she chose a seat. "At least they released headphones kid."

"Oh yeah, him, he didn't have it so bad. Still, he'll be out of school for a few days, at least. Didn't you hear? I'm pretty sure he broke, like, an arm, I think? I mean he broke _something_."

"Mhm."

Jeremy frowned slightly as he listened, poking at his food. That conversation kind of put him on edge. Headphones kid? Well, there were a million kids _that_ could be in their school. He'd already been by to see Rich a couple times at the hospital. Surely he'd have said something about Michael? Surely Jeremy would have known _something_?

Suddenly not very hungry, Jeremy pushed his food away and sat back with a frown, narrowing his eyes at the table. Still, he hadn't seen Michael since… Then again, that could have been the optic nerve blocking. It wasn't until this morning that he'd had enough of his Squip and it'd been at least three days after the party.

A bad feeling twisted in his gut. But if Michael had gotten hurt he'd have _somehow_ found out about it. Right? Right….?

 _No, I wouldn't have._ Jeremy thought. _Keanu wouldn't have told me anything about it, he wants me as far from Michael as possible, obviously. Would he be able to block out what I hear about him, too?_ He didn't know exactly how that would work, but he didn't want to find out. He needed to find out about this "headphones kid". Make sure it wasn't Michael.

 _I know I don't deserve to worry about him, but…_ They'd been best friends for as long as Jeremy could remember. It took a lot more than optic nerve blocking to erase something like that. And he knew he'd said some really horrible things to him, but…. He didn't want anything bad happening to Michael. He cared about him. And thinking back to the party, even he had a hard time believing that, but he knew it was true. He would always care about him.

 _Christ, I'm probably just getting freaked out over nothing. Like always._ Jeremy let out a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair, staring at the food in front of him. Eventually he did pull it back to him to start eating. After all, it was going to be a long day. Hungry or not he was gonna regret it later if he didn't eat something now. _I'll keep an eye out for him… And if he's not here I guess I could always check by his house later. They said he was released… So..._ The decision was quick and it made his stomach twist violently at just the simple thought. He hadn't been over to Michael's house in so long. He'd forgotten how much he missed it. How much he missed _him_.

 _I sure do a good job at showing it._ Jeremy thought bitterly as he forced himself to swallow. He'd barely registered that he had been eating, but when he did he instinctively slowed down, since he'd pretty much been shoveling the food into his mouth. He couldn't tell whether he just wanted to get out of lunch as fast as possible or whether he was just stress-eating.

Back to Michael, though. He'd listen for any other news, too. That was his plan for today, focus on anything remotely concerning Michael. He owed him that much, at least. And it was a great day to do so without the Squip nagging at him to focus on Christine. Christine didn't even _matter_ right then. She didn't want to go out with him, so, plan failed anyway, right? So he'd put all that on the backburner for now. At least until he was certain that Michael was okay.

 _Great._ Plan set in stone, he quickly finished eating, not really caring about pacing himself at this point. And after finishing lunch he was off to his next class. It was kind of hard to focus now, though.

What if Michael was hurt? Did he have anyone to take care of him? Jeremy knew enough about Michael's parents to know they were most likely still… Gone. They barely stuck around and when they did, they made Michael's life hell. So they probably wouldn't care if he was hurt.

So either way Michael had absolutely nobody.

Jeremy felt sick just thinking about that. It was hard to imagine that, having nobody. Even before the Squip he'd always had Michael by his side, at least. But Michael didn't talk to anybody else. Michael… He didn't make any other friends. He'd said Jeremy was the only one he'd ever need. And now he was probably sitting at home hurt and alone and oh, god, what did Jeremy do to his best friend? What has he done?

He wanted to ask around if anyone knew anything but he seriously doubted they would. Michael was the loner of the school. He would have asked Chloe and Jenna but he wasn't exactly… Ready to face Chloe yet. Not so soon after what had happened. And Jenna was with her the whole time, probably taking advantage of the fact that Brooke was still sort of avoiding Chloe, taking advantage of the fact that at the moment, she was Chloe's only friend. Jeremy's frustration was just bubbling up as the day dragged on. And with no sign of Michael and barely any other hints concerning him, he knew he had to check in on him.

 _They said he was released from the hospital,_ Jeremy tried to console himself. _So it's nothing too bad, right?_ But through the whole day he'd just had this nagging, bad feeling that something was wrong. Horribly wrong.

He got a text near the end of the school day, from Rich.

 **Goranski:** ey dude u comin to the hospital after school right?

Jeremy cursed himself under his breath, having forgotten that he'd promised to drop by to visit. It wasn't much of a contest, trying to decide whether to check in on Rich or Michael, but he still hesitated as he typed the response. But only because he expected an electrical shock down his spine at any moment. He'd have to take a few more sips from the flask he'd bought with him later to make sure the Squip stayed away for the rest of the day.

 **Jeremy:** No, sorry bro, can't today. Will tomorrow tho

And he hit send and turned his phone off. He'd deal with whatever message he got from him later. Right now he could only focus on one thing and that thing was Michael. He took a few sips of the flask between classes and tried not to appear to irritated to anyone else, not up for any questions. He dodged any conversations, which, the more he thought about it, probably wasn't such a good idea after all. He needed something to pass the time. Then again school would still probably go too slow anyway because the universe just hated him like that.

And finally, finally, it was over. Jeremy didn't even bother stopping by his own house - Hell, he'd waited long enough. He went straight for Michael's place. Walking down the familiar street kind of hurt. He realized how familiar it felt. Like he was going over to play video games with Michael or something. Like nothing had changed.

Except, everything had changed. And Jeremy had a lot of apologizing and explaining to do. He didn't deserve to get the satisfaction of checking up on Michael, of making sure he was okay. He didn't deserve to apologize and try to make things alright. He was horrible, a horrible friend.

But he couldn't help being worried. His Squip was going to hate this whenever it could function again but Jeremy didn't _care_ , he didn't care, he just wanted to check on Michael now. He hardly realized it when he reached the house, hardly realized it when he knocked on the front door. But the situation finally seemed to completely sink in, standing there, staring at the door. He heard a loud crash - Not what he was expecting, and flinched slightly at the sound. After a few moments of silence Jeremy was prepared to literally break into the house to make sure everything was alright. Then there was a click and the door was pulled open to reveal a very bewildered looking Michael.

He wasn't wearing his signature hoodie, that was the first thing Jeremy noticed.. Then again he hadn't worn it at the party, either. But Jeremy knew he usually wore it around his house anyway but it was surprisingly absent now. Probably to make room for the cast on his arm, which Jeremy's gaze fell onto immediately. The next thing he noticed was that Michael's hair was a mess - Oh who was he kidding, Michael's hair was always a mess. He had dark circles under his eyes and seemed a little unsteady on his feet.

After doing a quick check-over, Jeremy brought his gaze back to Michael's. Surprised brown eyes stared back at him. Jeremy didn't look too deeply for any other emotion, scared of what he might find. He watched as Michael's shoulders tensed and he seemed to straighten up just slightly but other than that he remained still and silent. He looked almost uncertain.

When it became clear that Michael wasn't going to say anything, Jeremy decided it was better for him to try to spark up some kind of conversation. _Are you okay?_ Or _I'm sorry._ Probably would have been nice. But Jeremy had never had much of a filter. And when he opened his mouth, what he meant to say was just completely different from what he _did_ say.

"...You look like shit, dude."

Great conversation starter. Jeremy watched as Michael's eyes widened, surprise deepening. But this only lasted for a second. To his credit, he didn't seem hurt by that comment at all. Then his expression shifted, and his lips twitched, as if he wanted to smile but he just couldn't seem to. His eyes met Jeremy's, completely dull, lacking their usual spark, and that made Jeremy's heart clench. But there was something there. Something Jeremy couldn't quite place.

When Michael spoke, he sounded tired. There was an edge of sarcasm in his tone, though, but he sounded faint, voice fading slightly, uncertainly, sounding confused for the most part. Jeremy could understand that, though.

"Gee, thanks..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I definitely do plan on going somewhere with this. I have a million ideas that must come out lol I'd love to know what you guys think about this so far!!! Also, it's 3 in the morning so if there's any errors or anything I might have overlooked, can any of you kind people let me know? ;3 Thank you~! Stay tuned, m'kay? <3


	2. Just Let Me Take Care Of You

If Jeremy had a dollar for every awkward situation he managed to get himself into, he'd be rich. And right then, he'd have earned another dollar because this was _beyond_ awkward. At least, for him. But he knew Michael couldn't be exactly comfortable with the situation. Their last exchange hadn't ended so well. One of the main things Jeremy needed to apologize for once he found his ability to speak. For now he could only stare, mostly at the cast on the other's arm, wondering what had happened, if it hurt, if he was okay. But his throat closed up, not allowing him to ask any questions, not allowing him to voice his concerns. Not yet.

Michael seemed to be waiting for him to say something else, shifting from one foot to the other almost nervously and playing with the door handle, not really meeting his gaze. His eyes did flicker up from time to time, but never really rested on Jeremy, sometimes just looking past him.

"So, um.." Michael trailed off, swallowing hard and clearing his throat. When he spoke again, his voice wasn't so faded. Still distant, but louder. "What're you doing here?"

Jeremy opened his mouth, but he couldn't think of anything to say. He couldn't tell whether Michael wanted him there or not. His expression was unusually unreadable and his tone gave nothing away. He seemed almost… Guarded. Jeremy shut his mouth, struggling with himself, and watched Michael's brown eyes turn back to him, finally actually looking at him.

"...Jeremy? You okay?"

Michael was standing there with a broken arm, looking completely exhausted, staring at him with those dull, broken eyes, and he was asking if _Jeremy_ was _okay_. That was enough to bring back that familiar anger - For himself. He didn't _deserve_ Michael's _concern._ If anything Michael was the one that deserved the concern. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. And he was hurt. And… From the looks of him, not just physically, either.

"I'm _fine_." Jeremy pretty much had to spit the words out through gritted teeth, fury bubbling up, all of it directed at himself. But Michael didn't seem to know that. No, he seemed to think it was directed at him, because in the next instant his expression went to concerned to guarded again, and his gaze dropped to the floor. Jeremy mentally cursed himself, taking a deep breath to calm down.

"I - I uh, came here to check on you, actually." He stared, taking in Michael's expression, and he watched the surprise and disbelief cross his ex-best friend's face before finally settling on an emotion Jeremy couldn't yet identify. Jeremy hesitated, then continued. "Are _you_ okay?"

Michael went silent for a long moment, either considering Jeremy's question or just flat-out avoiding answering it. But he seemed to be searching for an answer anyway because after a moment he looked up again. "Yeah, I'm okay."

And then the awkward silence was back as they stared at each other. Jeremy had to bite back a scoff, watching Michael. He was anything but okay. But of course he wasn't going to admit that, was he?

"Are your parents home?"

Michael frowned, eyebrows pulling together. "...No..?"

"Is- Is _anybody_ here? Ch- Checking in on you, at least?" Jeremy pressed, eyebrows raising desperately. He wanted some reassurance that Michael at least had somebody checking in on him. That at least he wasn't completely alone.

Michael had a strange expression on his face. "Nope."

"So.." Jeremy trailed off, growing more upset as the conversation continued. "Nobody's here to take care of you?"

Michael blinked, then his expression immediately turned guarded again, somewhat wary. "I don't need to be taken care of. I'm fine."

"Really?" Jeremy's gaze flickered to Michael's arm, and he watched the other follow his gaze. Instinctively, Michael brought the arm to his chest, pressing his good hand over the cast.

"Really."

 _Bullshit._ Jeremy thought, staring at the cast before bringing his gaze to Michael's face. _Maybe you're somewhat okay physically but…_ His thoughts trailed, focusing his gaze on Michael's before looking away again, unable to meet his dull, guarded eyes.

"Still, you shouldn't be a- _alone.._ " Jeremy frowned. _But it's my fault. I left him alone. God…_

"I'm kind of used to it by now." Michael's voice was quieter than before. Jeremy expected at least _some_ bitterness but Michael just sounded tired. Defeated.

Jeremy's eyebrows furrowed, staring at him as his frown deepened. This wasn't right. Michael didn't deserve to be alone. But he'd figured the other would have at least moved on by now, found someone else to talk to, but… Michael really _was_ a loner, wasn't he? It just showed how much he'd relied on their friendship in a way Jeremy just... Didn't. Jeremy had always wanted something more, but Michael was content to stay where he was. They were different.

But that didn't mean that Jeremy had any right to just abandon him like that. Jeremy's gaze held Michael's silently, seeing the other growing more and more nervous as the silence went on. Jeremy knew he should say something, anything.

"...I'm sorry."

Okay, good start, actually. Michael frowned, looking faintly surprised, but it didn't take him long to respond.

"Jeremy… Don't… Don't be sorry."

"You don't understand," Jeremy grimaced, taking a deep breath. "I screwed up, I screwed up, Michael, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just left you alone like that and I shouldn't have said…" He stopped and trailed off.

"It's okay." Michael mumbled, now just sounding completely desperate, like he was trying to get Jeremy to understand something. But Jeremy needed him to understand that it wasn't okay. That he didn't mean any of it. That he felt like shit for hurting him. He needed Michael to understand. But then again could he really blame him for not understanding? After everything he'd done, that was the last thing he deserved, was understanding.

"It's not okay." Jeremy sighed, but he shook his head, dropping that for now. He could save the apologies for later. "But… That can wait. I, uh," he stopped for a moment, once again realizing he didn't know what to say. What could he say? Would it be weird for him to offer to stay? He didn't even know. Maybe before he wouldn't have been so hesitant but right then it felt like he was facing a total stranger, someone he didn't know, didn't know how to talk to.

 _Nonsense. I know Michael._ But as Jeremy studied his best friend, a sinking feeling replaced the faint confidence that had been building up. _Or, I did, but… Do I… Now?_ After all, Michael didn't seem like the guy he used to know. He was usually outgoing and open. But right now his expression kept changing from guarded to confused, and he was unusually quiet. After a moment of silence, Michael threw a glance over his shoulder before looking back at Jeremy again. Jeremy ended up following his gaze, and remembered the crash he'd heard.

"Oh! Hey, I thought I heard something break. Is - Uh, everything okay?"

"What?" Michael looked startled, probably because he hadn't been expecting Jeremy to speak. "Uh - Yeah, I uh, I dropped a plate. And a cup." He cringed slightly, looking past Jeremy for a moment.

"Oh." Jeremy gave him another look-over, now even more concerned, but to his relief it didn't seem that Michael had gotten hurt from it. "Sorry."

Michael frowned at the apology but before he had time to say anything, Jeremy interrupted, holding a hand up. "So - Uh, do you - Need some help, or something?"

"Oh, uh…" Michael now looked even more confused, trailing off as he stared at Jeremy. He seemed lost in thought for a while before he spoke again. "What about the…" That's when he stopped.

It took a few seconds for Jeremy to understand what Michael was talking about, but when he did, he sighed, eyebrows furrowing together. "I, uh, found a temporary shutdown. It's… Off." He couldn't help but think back to the last time he'd told Michael that and from the expression on Michael's face he was thinking the same thing.

Then that guarded mask was back, and Jeremy felt his irritation rise just slightly. Michael shouldn't feel like he had to hide anything from him, especially how he was feeling… But he couldn't blame him, he really couldn't.

"Oh." Michael took in a slightly shaky breath and shook his head. "Well I mean if - If you want, you can come in, I just… You don't have anything else to do?"

"Nothing important." Jeremy replied, gazing at him. "Just… I wanna make sure you're okay. I mean, you're hurt, and if you're here alone you're probably bored out of your freakin' mind, and I know I owe it to you to at least keep you company, so…"

That strange expression as back on Michael's face. This time Jeremy tried a little harder to identify it. "You don't owe me anything." Michael murmured.

Jeremy rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Like hell I don't." He muttered. "Alright, how about this… You no longer get a choice. I'm staying here to take care of you and that's that. No arguments."

The expression was gone, but those dull eyes suddenly seemed a little brighter. Just a little. Still, there was something hidden deep, some emotion Jeremy couldn't place. "Well, if I can't stop you…" He trailed off, then pulled the door open and stepped back to allow Jeremy to come in.

"You can't." Jeremy told him, a new burst of confidence taking over as he came forward. Michael went to shut the door, but Jeremy grabbed hold of his good arm and pulled him into a hug before he could step past him. Michael froze, but Jeremy didn't let go. He didn't want to let go, not yet, not ever. Not ever again.

He made up his mind then, he didn't give a shit what the Squip said. This was his best friend, his best friend was hurting in more ways than one and Jeremy wasn't going to stand by and let that happen and he certainly wasn't going to be the reason for it.

_Keanu's just going to have to deal._

Michael seemed to recover after a few seconds because soon Jeremy felt his arms wrap hesitantly around him, returning the hug. "What's this for?" He asked in confusion, relaxing slightly for the first time.

"Nothing," Jeremy replied quietly, pressing his mouth into Michael's shoulder and staring past him into the house. He knew one little apology and a hug wasn't going to make up for everything he'd done, but this was a start. "Everything."

They stayed like that for a minute before Jeremy pulled away. Michael gazed at him silently. Those brown eyes were still filled with confusion, but now there was a small spark against the dullness that had been there before.

And oh, god, Jeremy wanted to keep that there. He wanted to bring that sparkle back completely. Michael let out a shaky sigh, then cleared his throat and stepped back.

"So… Uh, you wanna head down to the basement, or… Well actually, I gotta clean up that glass real quick, but…"

"I'll get that." Jeremy told him, frowning slightly in disapproval. Did Michael really think Jeremy was going to let him clean? No, Jeremy would do that. That was part of taking care of him. "You go ahead, I'll be down in a minute."

"Jere…" Michael trailed off, sounding confused. "I can get it, it's my mess…" But he trailed off at the expression on Jeremy's face as the other narrowed his eyes at him, and after a moment of hesitation, Michael sighed. "...Okay."

Jeremy couldn't help but feel surprised - Michael was usually more stubborn. But he guessed he should be glad he didn't put up a fight about this. "Okay, good." He smiled slightly. "After that we can do whatever you want. Sound good?"

"Yeah, sounds good." Michael hesitated. "Jeremy, you know you don't have to… Take care of me, right? I'm fine, and you've got your friends to worry about, and-"

"You _are_ my friend." Jeremy insisted, confidence wavering slightly. "I know - I haven't… Been acting like it, but…"

"Yeah, but I'm not…" Michael suddenly let out a hollow-sounding laugh, sounding more broken than ever, and Jeremy felt his heart just shatter. "I'm not… That important. I mean you could - You could be visiting Rich or something, or hanging out with Christine, I…"

Jeremy frowned at that. _Not important._ So that's how he'd made Michael feel. Like he didn't _matter_ as much as Christine or _Rich_ or that stupid _Squip._ He hadn't meant to do that. Michael mattered to him. Michael was important to him. He did a horrible job showing it, but...

God, he never should've gotten that Squip. Now everything was just so screwed up and Jeremy didn't know what to do. He forced himself to focus on Michael again, putting everything else on the backburner for now. "That's not important. Not as important as making sure you're okay."

"But I'm-" For a split second Michael's voice rose, becoming desperate, but he cut off abruptly. Then his eyes dulled, the spark disappearing completely once again and Jeremy just wanted to bring it back.

This was going to be a lot harder than he'd thought.

"Okay." Michael mumbled after a moment, rubbing his thumb lightly over his cast as he tore his gaze away from Jeremy's. "If you say so. I'll meet you downstairs, then." He didn't wait for a response, or maybe Jeremy just wasn't quick enough to give one. Michael headed off for the stairs leading to the basement, leaving Jeremy to stare after him.

 _Damn it. What did I do that time?_ He ran over the conversation in his head but he was half-certain he hadn't said anything wrong, had he? In the end, he brushed it off. Michael was probably just tired, not up for an argument. Honestly, he should be glad about that, and he was. Sighing, he set his backpack down and headed for the kitchen to clean up the glass, wanting to hurry so he could meet Michael downstairs, give him his full attention. Because that's what he deserved after weeks of being ignored.

Hell, he deserved a lot more, but this was a _start._ Rome wasn't built in a day. It was going to take a lot more to get things to back to how they used to be. Or maybe they wouldn't go back to how they used to be.

The Squip had already pretty much failed at it's job. It certainly wasn't helping Jeremy reach his goal of getting Christine. Hell, Jeremy wasn't even sure if that _was_ his goal anymore. Right now all he could focus on was Michael, and he figured that was a good thing, he owed him that much, he owed him more.

Shaking his head as he grabbed the broom and dust pan and set to work cleaning, he tried to set his thoughts straight. He couldn't stay drunk forever but he needed to be sure Michael didn't just get blocked by the Squip again. He wasn't going to do that to his best friend. Not now that he saw how hard of a time Michael was really going through.

So the Squip was going to have to deal. Deal with Michael being a part of Jeremy's life. Because that's how Jeremy wanted it. Besides, wasn't the Squip programmed to help Jeremy reach his goals? Well at the moment Jeremy's only goal was setting their friendship back on track. So that's how it was going to be. Keanu would just have to put up with it and help him.

And if not?

Well…

Jeremy would have to start looking for something else to shut it off. Permanently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie wow, long chapter! Are you guys happy with me? I'm happy ^^ Hope this satisfies you 'til the next one! So, I'd like to know what you guys think because this chapter has a lot more to it? Michael might be a little OOC, but it's for a good reason and I have a plan for him! Not sure about Jeremy, how you guys think I'm doing with him?
> 
> Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter~! <3


	3. If I Just Lay Here, Would You Lie With Me And Just Forget The World?

Michael let out a sigh as he looked around the basement, gripping the stair rail silently with his good hand. The silence and emptiness of the large room soothed him, his racing heart slowing slightly until he was unable to feel it pounding against his chest with as much force as possible. And once that happened, it was so much easier to _breathe._

He never thought he'd get used to being alone, much less start to enjoy it. But here he was, managing to calm himself from a possible anxiety attack by reminding himself that he _was_ alone right now. It was so different from the bathroom incident that for a moment, the pure irony of the situation made him chuckle. He knew he wouldn't be alone for much longer, though. The shuffling from upstairs and the brief, mumbled curses reminded him that he had to face this eventually, face Jeremy. The thought made his jumbled thoughts spiral again, and he felt like his insides were just completely frozen over.

He hadn't expected this today. Hell, he hadn't expected this at _all._ After the party, Michael had kind of just accepted the fact that Jeremy just... Didn't want him anymore. It was hard to think that but the sooner he got over it the less it would hurt, right?

No, not really, it still heard like hell, and Jeremy's words had been on repeat in his head like a broken record since.

" _Get out of my way, loser."_

Michael shook his head and glanced back up toward the steps before letting the railing go and heading over toward the couch. He liked the little set-up he had in here, actually. There was the main room for the basement which was usually his gaming room - He had a couch and two bean bags, then a TV and a few game systems. There was another room to the left where Michael had set up his bed and other stuff, so that was his room. Most of the time, though, he would stretch out on the couch at night and watch TV, end up falling asleep like that.

He let himself fall back onto the couch, rolling over onto his back and stretching out with a sigh, narrowing his eyes up at the ceiling. Well, what about Jeremy, then? What was he going to do about him? Why was Jeremy here? Did he want something? Need something?

Was the Squip okay with this…?

Michael shied away from that thought, pulling the pillow out from under his head and instead pulling it above him to press it against his chest. Anything about the Squip made him uneasy. He'd have to be careful not to say anything about it to Jeremy, too. Last time he'd said something about it to him, well…

" _Get out of my way, loser."_

Michael really wished that would stop already. Honestly it didn't even hurt that much anymore, it just brought this hollow feeling to his chest. He wasn't sure if his already-shattered heart could break anymore.

Then again he didn't want to take his chances. This was the lowest Michael had felt in his life. And he was scared that if he went any lower…

 _Alright, stop it, Mell._ He eyed the pillow, then his gaze drifted to the cast on his right arm, and his lips pressed together tightly. Another thing that didn't really hurt anymore, it just felt… Numb. Thinking about it made him think back to Jeremy's words.

 _Take care of me._ Michael thought, turning his head to look toward the TV, then to the two controllers that sat still on the stand the TV rested on, untouched. They'd been in the same position for weeks, actually, gathering dust. _Why does he think I need to be taken care of? I'm fine. He doesn't need to worry about me, I'm fine, I'm fine._

God knows Jeremy had better things to be doing than worrying about a loser like him, anyway.

The thought made him flinch faintly, realizing maybe it still did hurt. He just need to accept it, get over it. Jeremy was happy, right? That's what mattered. Michael was just beginning to relax again when he heard the door open and footsteps approaching, heading down the stairs. Michael jolted slightly in surprise, then immediately pushed himself to sit up.

 _Oh, bad idea!_ He couldn't bite back a rather embarrassing squeak in time as his right hand pushed against the couch cushion a little too hard in his haste to sit up, and he sat shock-still, beyond stunned at the pain, pain that hadn't even be that agonizing when he _broke it._

"Are you okay?" He felt two hands on him, one pressed against his back to hold him up and the other pulling his hand up off of the couch, which made Michael realize that his reaction to the pain had been to press down harder, which just brought… More pain. "Michael?"

_Jeremy._

For a second Michael was half-convinced he was hallucinating or something, but the earlier conversation reminded him he wasn't. He shook his head a little, not at Jeremy, but at himself, trying to clear his thoughts. "Uh - Yeah-"

"Are you sure?" Jeremy sounded slightly panicked, and Michael managed to focus, the pain slowly fading as his gaze turned back to Jeremy. His wide blue eyes were glued to Michael's cast, which he was holding tightly, staring in concern. "Did you like - Like, re-break it or something? Or - Or- Jesus Christ, do you need to go to the hospital?"

"What? No," it was easy to remember why he'd fallen so hard for this boy. Michael kept his gaze on Jeremy's face, realizing that staring at him suddenly made the pain seem so much less important. "No, I'm fine, Jere, just - Uh, kinda forgot it was broken for a second." He tried to laugh, but it caught in his throat.

"Okay…" Jeremy seemed uncertain, his eyes flashing up from Michael's arm to his face, and Michael could do nothing but stare.

He felt a mix of emotions at the concern flickering through those pale blue eyes. He didn't know how to react. The last time Jeremy looked at him was at the party, and back then those eyes had held nothing but deep anger and hatred. So different from now.

Michael didn't know _what_ to think anymore. Did Jeremy hate him or not? This didn't make any sense. Jeremy had always confused him a little bit no matter what he did but now Michael just felt _lost._

 _If it's so easy for him to change like that then this definitely isn't permanent._ Michael's thoughts turned on him, as they usually did. _He'll get bored of me and leave again just like before._

_Unless I don't screw up this time…_

_Who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to screw up. And he'll hate me even more. Oh, god…_

"Hey," Jeremy's hand had left his arm and was now on his shoulder, his voice pulling Michael from his treacherous thoughts. "You okay? You're zoning out a little, buddy."

 _Am I your buddy?_ Michael bit back the words and stared up at him, wondering if he looked as confused as he felt right then. "I'm fine."

Jeremy didn't seem very convinced but to Michael's relief, he didn't push it. Maybe he saw the line, too. The line that hadn't been there before. The line that neither of them wanted to cross again.

Michael saw it clear as day and he was going to stay as far away from it as possible this time. No more screwing up.

"Okay," Jeremy sighed, sitting down on the couch beside him. "Your arm okay?"

"Yeah." Michael looked down at his arm, biting down on his lower lip silently. His arm was the least of his concerns right then but, luckily, he wasn't lying. The pain from before had already ebbed away. It tingled a little now, but he was pretty sure it was okay.

"Good." Jeremy murmured, and Michael could feel his gaze focused on him. But Michael kept his eyes fixed intently on the cast, trying to ignore the nervous feeling twisting in his stomach. "So, what do you want to do now?"

The feeling intensified, suddenly becoming a lot harder to ignore. Oh, no, no, no, Jeremy couldn't just put that on him like that. He was the one who showed up with no warning whatsoever. Michael didn't know what to do. "I- I.. Uh…" Michael forced his voice steady, trying not to seem as panicked as he felt. God, this was stupid. Panicking over _this_. "I don't know. What do - Uh…"

Jeremy's gaze was still on him, but Michael didn't want to look up, not wanting to see what expression was on his face. "Hey, man, it's okay."

"Sorry, god…" Michael shook his head slightly, trying to pull his thoughts together. "I, uh… There's not really much to do, I mean…"

"Okay, well," Michael glanced up when Jeremy stood, his eyes tracking his… Ex-best friend? As Jeremy headed over toward the TV. "Do you wanna watch TV? Play a game?" Jeremy's gaze fell onto the controllers, his expression changing for a second.

Michael wasn't sure why, but the anxiety only got a hell of a lot worse. He wasn't sure he could speak right then if he tried so he just stayed silent, staring at him while Jeremy stared at the controllers. And not for the first time since he'd opened his front door, he thought about how weird this felt.

His best friend of twelve years is gone for a few weeks and then when he comes back, suddenly everything is just _weird_. Michael couldn't even bring himself to be mad. Not at Jeremy. The Squip, maybe. At himself, definitely. But Jeremy? Not at all.

Michael blinked, his gaze still focused on Jeremy, who was now going through a few games Michael had lying on the TV stand. He was talking, but Michael was barely paying attention, which kind of made him feel guilty but he couldn't really focus. Was it bad that he wasn't mad at Jeremy? Maybe, but he just couldn't feel angry with him. It was so…

So screwed up. Everything was so _screwed up._

* * *

 

"Mario Kart…" Jeremy trailed off as he listed the fourth game, finally seeming to realize he hadn't gotten a response for any of the previous ones. He lifted his gaze from the stack of games in his hands and looked over toward Michael. He was staring at him, and that guarded expression was gone. He seemed kind of zoned out, looking confused and uncertain. Jeremy frowned. "...Mike?"

He became even more concerned when he didn't get an answer. He hesitated, then cleared his throat and raised his voice. "Michael!"

Michael flinched in surprise, finally snapping out of the trance, and Jeremy watched his expression change briefly before it became guarded again. Jeremy felt a pinch of irritation and struggled to ignore it. So Michael didn't feel… Safe enough? To be that open around Jeremy, that was okay, he deserved that.

"Sorry," Michael blurted, that one simple word seeming rushed and he didn't say anything else. Even though he seemed to be struggling to hide it, he seemed nervous as his gaze met Jeremy's again.

"Don't be sorry." Jeremy told him with a frown. "Are you okay, dude? You spaced out again." _And you've been doing it a lot so far._ He added silently. It wasn't like Michael to zone out like that. At least, it wasn't before…

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I'm just… Thinking."

Jeremy would have asked what he was thinking about, but he wasn't sure if he… Should. Michael seemed hesitant enough to tell him he was even _thinking_ at all, so he probably wouldn't want to explain whatever he was thinking _about._ Jeremy frowned, wondering when things had gotten so complicated. Then he reminded himself that he did that, he _made_ it complicated, and for at least the hundredth time that day he was mentally cursing himself.

"Okay," Jeremy held Michael's gaze for a while, and Michael gazed back at him silently. Finally, Jeremy cleared his throat and looked down at the games. "So, you wanna play a game, or…" It felt weird to ask. He hated that.

"Sure." Michael suddenly sounded a lot more confident than before, which sort of boosted Jeremy's own confidence. So he offered a small smile, but his gaze didn't move from the games.

"Cool, okay." Jeremy paused for a second before looking back over at Michael. "I wish we had Apocalypse of the Damned here." He said suddenly, smile melting. He watched Michael's guard drop instantly, brown eyes widening faintly, and felt just slightly satisfied now.

"Oh." Michael didn't seem to know what to say. "Yeah - Me too…" He trailed off. "We never beat level nine, heh…"

"Yeah." Jeremy flinched slightly, shaking his head. _Yeah, we didn't, did we?_ Taking a deep breath, he shook his head again and forced a smile. "Ah, well, next time."

A look of pure shock crossed Michael's face and this time he didn't even try to hide it. "Next time...?"

"Yeah, I'll bring it the next time I come over…" Jeremy trailed off, frowning slightly. Was that not okay? Did Michael not want him to come back? Did Michael not want him here at all? Suddenly feeling anxious, all he could do was stare at Michael, watching as he seemed to struggle for a moment before the shock melted, but his eyes gave away his confusion.

"Okay - Uh, yeah, that's… Great. Okay." He had that strange expression on his face again, and Jeremy really wished he could figure out what it was. Shaking his head, he turned back to the games and cleared his throat.

"Mario Kart?"

"Yeah," Michael sounded almost breathless, and Jeremy shot him a glance, concerned. Something about him just seemed so… Off. Jeremy wasn't sure what. "Okay."

"Great." Jeremy put the game in and grabbed the controllers, red and blue, and for a moment he just stared down before shaking his head and heading back over to the couch, handing Michael the red one. "Prepare to get your ass kicked."

For the first time that day he watched an actual, genuine smile start to tug at Michael's lips, and that small spark was back in those brown eyes. Jeremy felt relief pulse through him, unable to help a smile of his own. He was going to keep that spark there this time.

"We'll see about that." Michael finally replied, taking the controller and pushing the pillow off his lap before sitting back, finally seeming relaxed. Jeremy gave a small smile, before settling down on the couch beside him, turning his gaze to the TV. For now maybe everything else could just slip away. For now maybe they could go back to being normal. That's all both of them needed right then.

* * *

 

About two hours or so later they were both laughing, the little invisible wall that had been between them since Jeremy had gotten the Squip completely crumbled, at least, for now. Michael seemed much more at ease, Jeremy noticed with relief. His guard was down, and he seemed genuinely happy. It made him grin, just hearing Michael laugh, and not for the first time that day he realized just how much he _missed_ him. Jeremy could feel the buzz going down, but this time, he decided to let himself sober up. He wanted to face the Squip, get everything back on track. He couldn't hide from it forever. But he wasn't really looking forward to the reaction he would get.

But if the Squip objected to it, he really would have to look for something permanent to keep it off. To get rid of it. That's when, for some reason, he thought back to what Michael had been trying to tell him at the party.

" _He went crazy trying to get it out!"_

That was a little unexpected, and Jeremy began to zone out now. Michael had been trying to help him, and he… Nevermind. He could guilt-trip himself later, but… Right now he needed to think of the alternatives. _We're talking about a computer here. There has to be a way to shut it off._ He thought, forcing himself to focus on the game, but he was kind of distracted now. So it was no surprise when he lost the next race.

"I win~!" Michael laughed, tossing the controller onto the couch beside him before looking over at Jeremy again. "You okay?"

Jeremy blinked, realizing he'd been staring at the screen. Shaking his head, he quickly turned back to Michael, offering a small smile. "Yep. I was thinking… About the Squip..." He trailed off, watching the smile on Michael's face falter slightly, but before Michael had the chance to say anything, Jeremy spoke again. "About how to get rid of it."

For the second time that day Michael's expression was just complete, pure shock. This time he was just completely left speechless though, his brown eyes wide as he stared at Jeremy, and Jeremy just sighed. Okay, this time he understood why Michael was left shocked.

"I - But I - I thought you- You didn't w- want to," Michael blurted out, his words rushed and his voice somewhat shaky. Jeremy didn't quite understand _this_ reaction, but…

"Yeah, well, I don't know," Jeremy muttered, moving his gaze away and turning back to look at the TV. He could feel Michael's gaze still fixed on him. "I mean, it's - It's not like it's been all that useful anyway. I mean, I still don't have Christine, and - And then, you… I mean, god." Jeremy gazed at the TV, feeling just… Completely useless somehow, wishing there was some better way to explain it, why he wanted the thing gone. But he couldn't. He just _did._ "Everything is so screwed up."

"You said it." Michael muttered from beside him, no longer stuttering, but he still sounded like he was in shock. "So how are you gonna…?" He let the question trail off, and Jeremy looked over at him, watching his expression change. It took him a second or two, but eventually he realized what Michael was trying to ask.

"I don't know, man," Jeremy gave a dry laugh and shook his head. "But I'll figure it out."

"Well, I'll help," Michael murmured, staring at him. Jeremy frowned faintly and opened his mouth to object. Michael had enough to worry about, and he really didn't deserve his help, not after everything.

"Michael, you don't have to."

This time, though, Michael was going to argue. "I want to." He stared at Jeremy, and that familiar, stubborn look was back in those brown eyes. Jeremy stared back, wondering where the sudden confidence had come from, and why it had been absent before.

"Mike."

"Jere."

Okay, maybe he wasn't going to get anywhere with this one. He felt a brief flash of irritation. Not really directed at Michael, though. It was so stupid after everything Jeremy had done, Michael still wanted to help him. Ridiculous. Why couldn't he just be mad at him? That's what Jeremy deserved, anger, and a hell of a lot of it. But Michael wasn't going to give him that, was he?

"Okay," Jeremy mumbled after a moment, watching Michael's eyes seem to light up, and he was unable to keep a small, triumphant smirk off of his face. Jeremy couldn't help but smile faintly in return, shaking his head. "God. I can't believe you want to help me at all, after…" He trailed off then, not wanting to finish.

Michael's smirk faltered, and Jeremy really wished he hadn't said anything. "Hey, someone's gotta save your ass. Who better to do that than your player one?" He smiled slightly, but it seemed more forced than before. That light was still there, that small spark.

Jeremy couldn't help but chuckle slightly at that. The comment kind of surprised him after how quiet Michael had been earlier, but it seemed Jeremy had broken past whatever shell Michael had around himself. At least for the time being. "Touche'."

The triumphant smirk returned, and Michael fell silent, his gaze flickering away. But Jeremy kept his eyes fixed on the other intently. Sometimes he forgot just how completely selfless Michael was. It kind of hurt sometimes, honestly. His gaze drifted to the cast on Michael's arm now, and his smile melted, bringing his eyes back to Michael's face.

"So when are you coming back to school?"

Michael seemed a bit startled by that at first, his eyebrows furrowing slightly as he looked back at Jeremy. "The doctors said I can go back tomorrow," he sounded kind of nervous about that, actually, but his expression gave nothing away.

"Well, that's good." Jeremy smiled slightly, and Michael snorted slightly in response but nodded anyway, brown eyes drifting down to his cast. Jeremy followed his gaze. "Hey, how'd you break it, anyway?"

"Oh, I, uh," Michael suddenly let out a laugh that was surprisingly genuine, and it made Jeremy smile slightly. "Okay, so you know how I was in the bathroom at Jake's party, right?"

Jeremy's smile instantly disappeared at the reminder, but Michael's stayed in place. Jeremy just nodded. The whole thing was kind of unforgettable to him. "Yeah."

"I jumped out of the window when the fire started." Jeremy honestly didn't know what was so funny about that, but Michael was laughing again, shaking his head slightly, and just hearing him laugh was honestly enough to make Jeremy smile slightly. "I seriously regretted not hiding in the bathroom on the first floor. But it was quieter upstairs."

"Damn," Jeremy sighed, still smiling at him. Michael's happiness was contagious somehow, just seeing him smile brought a grin to Jeremy's face. "Well, it could've been worse, I guess."

"Yeah." Michael snorted slightly. "Still, it's worse than falling out of a tree."

"What?" Jeremy blinked, eyebrows raising in confusion, and he watched Michael's eyes seem to light up slightly, another chuckle escaping.

"Nothing," Michael mused, and Jeremy got the feeling he was kind of missing out on some inside joke or whatever. "This kid, Evan - He fell out of a tree and broke his left arm."

"Ouch," Jeremy winced slightly, eyebrows raising. "And this is funny, why…?"

"Well I mean, it's not funny that he broke his arm, but," Michael blinked, then suddenly laughed again. "We couldn't decide which was worse."

"So you made a friend," Jeremy felt glad about that, he honestly did, but he couldn't help but feel just a little jealous for some reason. He tried to ignore that though. At least Michael hadn't been completely alone.

"Eh," Michael sighed, the smile still on his face. "Yeah. We met in the hospital… Oh. You should meet him, I think you guys would get along." He added, his eyes widening faintly. Jeremy wasn't really paying attention to anything else at this point. How could Michael just look so innocent?

 _Focus, Heere,_ he reminded himself, shaking his head slightly. "Yeah. That'd be cool." He mused, watching Michael's brown eyes seem to sparkle at that. Jealousy was just completely forgotten at this point. The only thing Jeremy could focus on right then was Michael.

"So, back to the game?" Michael tilted his head slightly as he picked his controller back up, giving Jeremy that innocent little smile. It was so easy to kind of just forget everything else as Jeremy stared back at him.

It wasn't completely back normal, but it was seriously close to it. "I'm gonna win this time." Jeremy told him, watching as Michael stuck his tongue out. "Oh, real mature," Jeremy mocked, then ended up sticking his tongue out right back at him.

"You're one to talk," Michael laughed, turning back to the TV and relaxing back into the couch. Jeremy sighed, smile lingering as he watched his best friend before turning back to look at the TV as well. He was ready to let everything else slip away for now, just him and Michael playing video games like they used to. Just for for now. They could face everything later. _We can just go back to being normal._

**Jeremy.**

_I spoke too soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh are you guys proud of meee~? Really long chapter, aaaand Michael's pov for a little bit too ^^ I told you guys it would switch, but I'll make it clear when it does so you don't get too confused! Ooh, you guys ready for Keanu's appearance? How's he gonna react? Dramaaaaaa~
> 
> Did you like the little Dear Evan Hansen reference I put in there? Honestly I can see Mikey and Ev getting along pretty well! You know, they meet in the hospital with casts on their arms, they're just like..
> 
> "Hey dude, how'd you break your arm?"  
> "I fell out of a tree."  
> "Damn."  
> "What about you?"  
> "I jumped out of the bathroom window of the second floor of a burning house."  
> "Jesus Christ."
> 
> XDDD Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter! More coming soon ^^


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